Matt 5:8

Don’t you love how God brings the same lesson, over and over again, until you actually LEARN it. 

Purity has been the word that the Holy Spirit has been pressing on my heart.  I have limited my understanding of purity.  Like anything, it starts within, where my heart stands in relation with God. 

purity in my relationship with God the father.  Being the daughter that recieves the love that he offers, with unashamed love.

purity in my relationship with the holy spirit, as I obey and not grieve him.  to allow him to lead, convict, encourage, repent, praise… listen.

purity in my relationship with Christ, my groom.  To be a pure bride waiting on him, like the virgins. 

purity in practice…  (still learning)… Titus 2.

FOCUS:

11 For the grace of God has appeared, ^R74 bringing ^R75 F10 salvation to all men, 12 instructing ^F11 us to deny ungodliness and worldly ^R76 desires and to ^R77 live sensibly, righteously and godly in ^R78 the present age, 13 looking for the blessed hope and the appearing ^R79 of the glory of our ^R80 F12 great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, 14 who gave ^R81 Himself for us to ^R82 redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify ^R83 for Himself a people ^R84 for His own possession, zealous ^R85 for good deeds.

I’m still waiting for this to sink deeper… but I write this not to preach but for me to remember, when I look back and read it. 

Maybe it will challenge you too, I dont know.  but in the end, we are the salt and we can bring healing into the waters that have been dried up for years.  We as the salt need to preserve whatever is left in this world of godlessness.  Not because we have much to offer, but we offer what Christ has offered to us.  May we not be lazy.  May we not be to haste either.  But may we wait on the Lord to lead the battle of victory.  we simply need to trust and be that army of Gideon who knows, it is God’s battle, not ours.

Knowledge Puffs up but Love builds up.  1 Corinthians 8:1

This goes for so many areas.  We’re do designed to want to always be "right".  My dang pride.  I love being right.  but more than that, I love it when the other person tells me I’m right.  haha. horrible huh?  This challenged me though.  Even when I teach, when I’m listening to others share.  I’m not here to prove anything about myself.  I’m here to only boast of Christ.  And He is LOVE.  He will build up.

These days my prayer has been that I become a woman of integrity.  That requires constant check of motives and intentions.  Sometimes, my thoughts get too loud and I can’t even hear my own heart.  and its hard to really see where my motives and my intentions are.  Sometimes, I learn of my motives/intentions after the act has already been done.  There…  I think, "dang it!" or "Thank you LORD!" But it’s God’s grace that I can learn from those moments.  YET, it’s difficult when its a completely new area of your life God is dealing with.  But it’s time to stop rushing in Esther. It’s time to wait. and just wait… and let God show you what your heart looks like.  It may hurt, it may be a relief. (doubt it) but in that moment, allow his grace to be active in your spirit.

Lord, quiet our thoughts and even our own hearts that we can hear the beating of your heart.  Lead us to a place where our hearts will beat with yours and the

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Summer is coming to an end.

What the heck did I do this summer?

July- taught summer school.

August- went to 2 weeks of workshop. and played with friends.

Even though the workshop was AWESOME and teaching summer school gave me some extra cash to spend this summer (by the way, where the heck did all that money go? why didnt i save? AISH!), it feels like such an unproductive summer.  My spirit isn’t satisfied.  The optimistic side of me says, "Esther, even though you feel unproductive, you did get some things done.  You built up a good curriculum and you got to spend it with people you love".  Yes that is true.  but the other side (dont know what to call it) says, "Man, some people save up their days off from work all year, just to be able to go on a mission trip or something.  Here, you have 2 months every summer.  it comes with your job! How are you using it?". 

God didn’t create us to be great students.

God didn’t create us to be great church goers.

God didn’t create me to be a good teacher.

God didn’t create me to be a good sister or daughter.

God didn’t create me to be married.

God didn’t create me to be a good friend.

God created me to be a worshipper of Him.

The question is…

God, how can I truly worship you?

Can I worship you by being a good teacher? Then be a good teacher Esther.

Can I worship you by being a faithful student?  Then do your best learning what you can.

Can I worship you as a good sister or daughter? Then help me to be a supportive sister and a daughter.

We have so many wants in our lives.  We present those wants to God as if they are DIRE necessities of life.  But the bottom line is…  Lord, teach me and train me to be a worshipper of You. 

not that we can’t have wants. But to align those wants with the will of God… challenge. surrender. pure joy.

Is it the younger sibling syndrome?  I could definately blame it on that.  But I reazlied that I definately have my moments of craving attention.  Don’t you think it’s time that I grew out of this?  A 25 year old!  I guess not.  It’s not that we crave attention, but some of us just want to be "noticed". haha (ok. nevermind. that means the same thing.)

So I’ve been in what we call the "transition" stage of my life for about 2-3 years now (post college).   Within that time I moved twice, attended 2 different schools studying 2 different majors (education & ICS), worked at 2 different public schools, Gained and loss 7-10 pounds back and forth, etc…  This transition stage is pretty exhausting.  I think I’m getting kind of weary from TOO much change.  The funny thing is, when things start to slow down, I complain that I’m bored. People say life is about balance, but for reals, balance is so hard to practice.  All i can say is, through ALL the changes, only Christ has been my constant.  His words, His peace, His presence, His love, His promises… did not change from the first day I met Him.

Lord, it always comes down to who you are. 

May I close this post with this song of praise to our unchanging God…

Verse 1- Many men will drink the rain, and turn to thank the clouds.  Many men will hear you speak, they will turn around.  But I will not forget, you are my God and King.  With a thankful heart I bring my offering.  And my sacrifices, not what you can give, but what I alone can give to you.

(Chorus) A grateful heart I give; A Thankful prayer I pray

             A wild dance I dance before you.

             A loud song I sing; A huge bell I ring.

             A life of praise I live before you.

Verse 2 - Many men will pour their gold and serve a thing that shines.  Many men will read your words, they will never change their minds.  But I will not forget you.  You are my God and King.  With a thankful heart, I give my offering.  And my sacrifices, not what you can give, but what I alone can give to you.

You know when you have so much thoughts… so much emotions going through you, there’s just no words that will amount to what you are holding inside… That’s what I think it means to be in “AWE”

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You are beautiful beyond description.  To marvelous for words.  To wonder ful for comprehension, like nothing ever seen or heard.

Who can grasp, your infinite wisdom.  Who can phathom the depths of your Love.  You are beautiful beyond description.  MAJESTY, enthroned above.

And I Stand, I Stand in AWE of you.

Lord, I stand, I stand in AWE of you. 

Holy God to whom all praise is due.  I stand in AWE of you.

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God you are so worthy of all praise.
Right now there is such a limited worship given to you.
The only worshippers are the ones who know you. And even among the ones who know you, we are not all worshipping you. But God, you are worthy of so much more than that. THAT IS WHY WE NEED TO GO AND MAKE YOU KNOWN. So that ALL may worship you, because you are worthy of ALL PRAISE. LITERALLY, ALL the worship that can exist in the realm of eternity.

THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS… Missions exists because worship doesn’t. Missions exists because not EVERYONE is worshipping you. If everyone in this world was worshipping you, then we wouldn’t have to send missionaries and you would be receiving worship from every soul that exists.

Lord, we need to share to the world who you are because you are worthy of more than the worship you are receiving right now.

Lord, send us where we need to go, so that you can receive more worship… because you are worthy!!!

Midnight snack for Will at Denny’s led us to have a good conversation about our long term goals.

For Mary- to get out of her current job within 2 years, finish school, get married by 28ish.

For Will- to finish seminary and serve on the mission field in China or North Korea.  It’d be nice if he could go with a wife. =P

For me- to finish school, continue teaching, but work at a mission agency (especially in the summer), training teams to go and share the gospel. 

I really need to finish school soon. My fellow collegues who started the Intercultural Program with me last fall will be completing their studies after 2 more semesters.  As for me, I still have a couple more years to go, attending Biola as a part time student.

My prayer is that what I gain from these classes will help me understand and communicate with my studens, parents, coworkers, etc. (but more my students).  I want to be able to encourage my students to take a practical path that will lead them to live a successful life, living out their potential.  We have designed this educational system that requires everyone to fit into this mold of a "good student".  This failed.  Although nothing is fail-proof, I dont agree that everyone has to be this exceptional straight A student to be reaching their "full potential".  To set a healthy expectation on a child is difficult, especially when i have them for only 1 school year.  But even within that short amount of time, I hope me, being aware of their background, their culture will help me communicate these expectations (as a teacher) that wont damage their self esteem but for them to see themselves as ones going towards doors of opportunities. 

How?

I need to love them.  without love, all this is in vain.  without love, again, it becomes just tedious work not investments (in lives).

Yesterday, we went to the concert at the OC fair.  The worship was led by Chris Tomlin, Mercy Me, and Third Day.  It was a great time together with Isak, Mary, BP, Shin, Grace and other KSers.

Surrounded by an ampitheatre with people, singing songs about and to our God, was definately a sight to remember.  Like most worshippers who worship at such a setting, I was reminded of how worship would be in heaven.  And usually I get awed by the fact that we are going to all come together one day and worship our God at his throne for ETERNITY.  That makes me think…

1.  Wow, eternity?  I wonder what that’s going to be like.  Keeping in mind that it will be in spirit and we will be out of our flesh. 

2.  Our worship here on earth is so small compared to eternity.  Such a speck of time that we are here. 

It was a lot deeper in my head. but anyways. during our time of singing (i dont remember what song), I just asked, "God, how close can I get to you?  I mean, it’s so hard to stay close to you because I still havent truly and fully understood what it means to be fully engulfed in your presence and to live for your glory".  God simply answered, "You can get as close as you want". 

Wow, really. We can get as intimate with God as we want to.  but the question is, Do I really want to?  You know why? because it means I have to give up things that I may not want to give up.  because it means that I have to change because I am walking in the flesh majority of the time.  because it means that I die to myself.

so God, even if i really want to die to myself.  it’s so hard! it’s hard b/c I lack faith, i lack understanding, and I am relient on what I see.  It’s so dang frustrating sometimes.  Lord, really that’s my prayer.  that I fully count the cost and still give up myself to live for your glory.  Lord, please reveal that understanding to me so that my life will not belong to me but to you.  I dont want to just say the christian cliches of "living for you".  Lord, take away the complacency and take away the laziness and take away the selfishness. 

Jesus I want to be as close as I can get to you.  right now, what holds me back is myself, my flesh.  Help me to die to myself.  Help to count the cost.  Give me the love for you that will lead me to abandon what ever i may count as lost so that I may gain you in my life.

Jenn shared a verse with me today, upon having a conversation on our drive home from church.  She shared Matthew 5:8, "Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God". 

What does that mean?

My prayer right now is that my heart will be pure.  Living in this world, our views of life has been so tainted, influenced by what we see, hear and experience ourselves.  With the 25 years of life I have lived, sometimes I think I know so much about life.  I think I know myself well enough.  yet I know I don’t.   (so freak’n hot right now!) 

I think one thing that keeps me from having a pure heart is selfishness. I have so much desires of my own, it keeps me from fully submitting to the will of God.  What do I mean by fully submitting to God? To let myself be fully used to glorify him and worship him only. 

But we’re going to be worshipping him for eternity in heaven???

our life on earth is smaller than the speck of dust in between my laptop keys.  But we’re given this small amount of eternity to live with CHOICE.  I can CHOOSE to use this time to worship Him or I can CHOOSE to live it to fulfill my own desires.  hmm.  the latter one is more appealing.  yet I know that I will not be satisfied.  That wasn’t what i was created for.  We were created to love God and to be loved by Him.  Living for youself is not love.  Even nonchristians who live serving other are more satisfied than christians who live chasing after their own dreams.

anyways. the point is. purity comes from God.  Only pure hearts will be able to see and hear God.  Although i dont understand the fullness of these 11 words in this verse, my prayer is that God will give me a pure heart.  My job is to remain attached to the vine (Jesus). 

You know, I’m sure christianity isnt as complicated as we make it out to be.  Yes, Jesus said it wasn’t going to be easy.  but I dont think he meant for us to live life trying to figure out christianity.  To know Him and to make Him known.

I can go on but I’m hot. its way to hot.  I like ranting like this. 

Lord, purify my heart.  let me be as gold and precious silver.  Purify my heart, cleanse me from my sins, deep within.  Refiners Fire, my heart’s one desire is to be Holy, set apart for you my master, ready to do your will.

Create in me a clean heart O God.  and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence O Lord.  and take not thy Holy Spirit from me.  Restore onto me, the joy of thy salvation.  And renew a right spirit within me.