Matt 5:8

Midnight snack for Will at Denny’s led us to have a good conversation about our long term goals.

For Mary- to get out of her current job within 2 years, finish school, get married by 28ish.

For Will- to finish seminary and serve on the mission field in China or North Korea.  It’d be nice if he could go with a wife. =P

For me- to finish school, continue teaching, but work at a mission agency (especially in the summer), training teams to go and share the gospel. 

I really need to finish school soon. My fellow collegues who started the Intercultural Program with me last fall will be completing their studies after 2 more semesters.  As for me, I still have a couple more years to go, attending Biola as a part time student.

My prayer is that what I gain from these classes will help me understand and communicate with my studens, parents, coworkers, etc. (but more my students).  I want to be able to encourage my students to take a practical path that will lead them to live a successful life, living out their potential.  We have designed this educational system that requires everyone to fit into this mold of a "good student".  This failed.  Although nothing is fail-proof, I dont agree that everyone has to be this exceptional straight A student to be reaching their "full potential".  To set a healthy expectation on a child is difficult, especially when i have them for only 1 school year.  But even within that short amount of time, I hope me, being aware of their background, their culture will help me communicate these expectations (as a teacher) that wont damage their self esteem but for them to see themselves as ones going towards doors of opportunities. 

How?

I need to love them.  without love, all this is in vain.  without love, again, it becomes just tedious work not investments (in lives).

Yesterday, we went to the concert at the OC fair.  The worship was led by Chris Tomlin, Mercy Me, and Third Day.  It was a great time together with Isak, Mary, BP, Shin, Grace and other KSers.

Surrounded by an ampitheatre with people, singing songs about and to our God, was definately a sight to remember.  Like most worshippers who worship at such a setting, I was reminded of how worship would be in heaven.  And usually I get awed by the fact that we are going to all come together one day and worship our God at his throne for ETERNITY.  That makes me think…

1.  Wow, eternity?  I wonder what that’s going to be like.  Keeping in mind that it will be in spirit and we will be out of our flesh. 

2.  Our worship here on earth is so small compared to eternity.  Such a speck of time that we are here. 

It was a lot deeper in my head. but anyways. during our time of singing (i dont remember what song), I just asked, "God, how close can I get to you?  I mean, it’s so hard to stay close to you because I still havent truly and fully understood what it means to be fully engulfed in your presence and to live for your glory".  God simply answered, "You can get as close as you want". 

Wow, really. We can get as intimate with God as we want to.  but the question is, Do I really want to?  You know why? because it means I have to give up things that I may not want to give up.  because it means that I have to change because I am walking in the flesh majority of the time.  because it means that I die to myself.

so God, even if i really want to die to myself.  it’s so hard! it’s hard b/c I lack faith, i lack understanding, and I am relient on what I see.  It’s so dang frustrating sometimes.  Lord, really that’s my prayer.  that I fully count the cost and still give up myself to live for your glory.  Lord, please reveal that understanding to me so that my life will not belong to me but to you.  I dont want to just say the christian cliches of "living for you".  Lord, take away the complacency and take away the laziness and take away the selfishness. 

Jesus I want to be as close as I can get to you.  right now, what holds me back is myself, my flesh.  Help me to die to myself.  Help to count the cost.  Give me the love for you that will lead me to abandon what ever i may count as lost so that I may gain you in my life.

Jenn shared a verse with me today, upon having a conversation on our drive home from church.  She shared Matthew 5:8, "Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God". 

What does that mean?

My prayer right now is that my heart will be pure.  Living in this world, our views of life has been so tainted, influenced by what we see, hear and experience ourselves.  With the 25 years of life I have lived, sometimes I think I know so much about life.  I think I know myself well enough.  yet I know I don’t.   (so freak’n hot right now!) 

I think one thing that keeps me from having a pure heart is selfishness. I have so much desires of my own, it keeps me from fully submitting to the will of God.  What do I mean by fully submitting to God? To let myself be fully used to glorify him and worship him only. 

But we’re going to be worshipping him for eternity in heaven???

our life on earth is smaller than the speck of dust in between my laptop keys.  But we’re given this small amount of eternity to live with CHOICE.  I can CHOOSE to use this time to worship Him or I can CHOOSE to live it to fulfill my own desires.  hmm.  the latter one is more appealing.  yet I know that I will not be satisfied.  That wasn’t what i was created for.  We were created to love God and to be loved by Him.  Living for youself is not love.  Even nonchristians who live serving other are more satisfied than christians who live chasing after their own dreams.

anyways. the point is. purity comes from God.  Only pure hearts will be able to see and hear God.  Although i dont understand the fullness of these 11 words in this verse, my prayer is that God will give me a pure heart.  My job is to remain attached to the vine (Jesus). 

You know, I’m sure christianity isnt as complicated as we make it out to be.  Yes, Jesus said it wasn’t going to be easy.  but I dont think he meant for us to live life trying to figure out christianity.  To know Him and to make Him known.

I can go on but I’m hot. its way to hot.  I like ranting like this. 

Lord, purify my heart.  let me be as gold and precious silver.  Purify my heart, cleanse me from my sins, deep within.  Refiners Fire, my heart’s one desire is to be Holy, set apart for you my master, ready to do your will.

Create in me a clean heart O God.  and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence O Lord.  and take not thy Holy Spirit from me.  Restore onto me, the joy of thy salvation.  And renew a right spirit within me.